I wish

I wish i was young again... like.. secondary school period would be gd.

not for vanity. but it was a time where i had least worries. no need to think about career.. which means there is no need to think where to get the money to pay bills, buy house, to travel.. as the rumours goes.. money might yet be the root of all evil.

during then, there was nothing much to worry abt except to ace the exams, which came around only once per year. i didnt need to worry why is my gf acting unhappy despite my best efforts to cheer her up.. bringing her to nice food places, share nice experience..

nothing seems to be worth any effort. I am tired. I wanna sleep. not because im physically tired, maybe im emotionally tired. sleeping gives me an outlet to escape all these troubles.

i have been encouraging pple to be strong, "to endure the rain to see the rainbow".. to enjoy the unpredictability of life because that is what makes life, well.. life! and I have been holding myself up for a long time. If i gave in, i think i might be deep in depression. but i cannot be weak. i must be strong for others around me. but the question is, should i be strong for others, or should i be strong for myself?

despite my heart's violent protest, my mind tells me that i am still immature. I am affected by pple's comments.. i am distracted by pple's view. I am pre-occupied with wanting to be popular.. to be the focus, to be noticed and paid attention to. I crave approval of pple.. I am still too needy. until the day comes where i can live my own world, i am nothing but a child.

stay strong. there might not be a rainbow, but... there might be a rainbow.