The Ultimate Goal

What is it that one seek in life.. that which would give him happiness and joy?

Is it fortune? that which would allow you to buy almost anything in the world. Of course the common saying goes "money cant buy you happiness". but the fact remains that the cold hard cash gives you the ability to acquire your heart's desire. no matter if its the food being served at the nth-michelin star japanese restaurant or the perfect house you have been dreaming of, or the sleek drive that (literally) turns your head, or the chance to experience new cultures and behold magnificant sights at an interesting place. without a doubt, without money, these are definitely unachievable.

Is it recognition? that which puffs up the chest in pride. Recognition is a strange thing. It is neither tangible nor significant, yet highly sought after. guess it only adds value to a person, giving confidence. and you know what they say about confident people. anything, everything will go their way. just like taking felix felicis. but it comes at a cost, you have to fight for it, and sometimes fighting isnt enough. like a gifted advisor or an all-conquering general, if you serve an incompetent emperor who cannot spot brooklyn decker even if she stands naked in front of him, you will be doomed for failure.

Is it power? wooo... he who welds power conquers them all. the feeling of being important to anyone anything is an indescribable emotion. the way you have the final say in things, even when you are in the wrong, makes one, well.. invincible.

Is it status? the tag that says "i'm here. i have arrived" it makes you feel top of the world, like you are a cut above others. you own things that people dont, you buy things that people cant, you go to places where few have. people look up to you and that's what makes you proud.

Is it a sense of belonging? that this is who i am, who i hang out with, who are closest to me and wants to spend time with me. a sense of belonging let's you feel comfortable, ever smiling, laughing at senseless stuff.

Is it love? that which fills the heart with warmth and gives you strength. it lets you know that there's someone who only wants the best for you.

if these are want i seek, then i have, at this point in life, failed.

I dont possess a fortune - a fact that not one can easily tell as a nature of my flamboyant style of spending, but will effortless know if they notice my struggle towards the end of months and make ends meet.

There is no recognition for the hard work I've put in, the long hours late into the night, the sacrifices made. None. at work, there is only constant demand for improvement. In short, work life is f*** up right now. outside work, there isnt much appreciation either- eg, what I have been doing for the soccer team, we, more accurately I, have been trying to set up. no, the truth is people dont, they take you for granted.

the only power i have today, is as a to ability to decide what i want to do. It is still a privilege, given many people do not posses such freedom, something which i am still thankful for but cant help but think it is not enough.

Status - Naturally without power nor fortune, this is nothing, but a foregone conclusion. the only item which could elevate my status was just barely out of reach, eventually escaping my grasp. I wont deny it, from the beginning, i know it was close to impossible, but at the back of my head, there was hope. and now, there is only disappointment and frustration.

a sense of belonging? bah! yes, many friends but close friends? i dont even know if i can count any as one. they each are content to live and go about their own lives, never really bothering to keep in touch. through my life till now, i do not recall a single one who will initiate a meetup casually without an event. lately, I had to be thick-skinned and "chase" after 2 friends who are at the fringes. I have pushed one over the end, the other's fate is likely to go the same way.

love is the only thing that is keeping me above the water now, when everything is trying to weigh me down. but i fear that if nothing changes for the better for me soon enough, the virus will contaminate the only pure thing i have, infecting the innocence.

at times i resent my life. many things till now, i had to fight real hard. I had to walk the long road when others were given a smoother highway. why make everything so tough for me? when cant i be the lucky chosen charmed one?

I recognise that there are much less fortunate people than i am. i am not ignorant, i have been to places, i have seen lives. even without leaving singapore, there are people who lose their parents, lost their jobs, struggle to have a proper meal a day with no decent shelter above their heads, needing to study+work at the same time. but there are people who are completely the opposite, seemingly having everything there is to offer in life. There's no end to comparison really. You can compare down, you can compare up. it's a loop which has no answers.

The question now then is, "What then is 'happiness'?"