~死神~

ok, this is gonna be a very long post.. but it is my duty to chronicle the events tt occur in my life. However, you r not obliged to read these possible saddening events. So, if I were u, I would just shift my mouse to the top right hand corner of the screen and click on the big fat ‘X’. But I am not you, so I have to carry on with this post, whereas you need not necessarily do so. =p

Some months ago, when I flipped the papers, I came across several reports where someone just suddenly dies without any reason. If it was a one-off affair, it might not have caught my attention. But in 2months, 5 such cases were reported and in all cases, the victim had no medical history of any cardiovascular diseases. Two of them, just passed away in their sleep, while one of them, a NUS lecturer, collapsed in front of his student during consultation and was pronounced dead later at the hospital(the other two I cannot remember la.. u think i’m from LAW, cannot count one arh? =p). Some doctors dismissed these cases as a viral attack, while some put the blame on the diet of modern Singaporeans. But 死神(shinigami) told me, this is probably the work of another person writing their names in the Death Note (bleah! anyhow say one la.. keke.. what 死神 revealed to me, I where got anyhow tell anyone de..)

Point to note: The joke about law students cannot count is an internal joke I share with my soccer friends.. so other future lawyers-to-be.. pls dun be offended!! =)

But in any case, it really triggered off my thoughts. What if… what if I just pass away in my sleep 2nite, can I die in peace? Can I really leave this world without any regrets? Is there anything I want to do, need to do? Because of the occasional heart problems I have had for the past duno-how-many yrs le..(doctor dismissed it as harmless palpitations), I feel the need to jot this down, so I can drive myself to do those things, or maybe if I fail to accomplish them before my “unforeseen” death, at least someone can carry them out for me, I hope.. hee~

The very first regret in my life came only when 11yrs on earth have passed me. That yr, I was still studying in Montfort Primary and for the second yr running, we were in the Pilot Pen Badminton Finals, playing against ACS (think it’s ACS-Barker Rd). As the line-up suggests, it was going to be a close fight and in the end, it all boiled down to the doubles match that hyob and I was playing. Our opponents were not that good, we could win it. Not that we played badly, I played badly. I also don’t know what was wrong with me tt day, I was just not performing (first sign tt I do not have big match temperament). It made us lost our match, the whole game and ultimately, the first place. I was so devastated I gave up badminton. It was to punish myself for what I have done, or rather what i have not done. I felt that, after causing the team the first place, I have no right to carry on with the sport. Although I regret not playing up to standard, I actually regretted my decision to quit even more. Quitting is running away, something only cowards do. I should have wrked harder and exact revenge on them the next few yrs when we are in secondary sch. But I fail to see that. In all, I just want to say to those who were my badminton teammates then, im sorry.

The next one is also sports-related and again it shows that I do not perform well on big occasions. We were in the semis of the ‘A’ division soccer tournament, playing against favourites, VjC (even though we won them 1-0 on their home-ground in the group stages). It was half-time and we were 1-0 up, thanx to tlsp. But, we were far from comfortable. Almost all of us were feeling the heat, literally. After the break, we couldn’t handle the weather and when they got the equalizer, we just crumpled. After they got the second goal, I totally collapsed, didn’t feel like playing, you can say, I just lost it. I feel that if I were able to keep my cool, at least we might still have a chance to fight back. But time after time I just let pple go past me so easily.. the scoreline was rather cruel. People do tell me that, since the players from VjC can handle the weather, y not u all? cuz pitch conditions apply to everyone. I wouldn’t use this as an excuse, but on that (fateful?)day, we arrived quite early, and not one who likes to break tradition and routine, I decided that we shld still warm up as usual, even though the temperature was so high. We did quite an extensive warm up and on hindsight, that might probably have caused us the finals. It’s like the engine of a car. You run ur car in a scorching day, for a long period of time and if there is no adequate amount of water in the radiator, the engine will get really hot and eventually, break down.

Looking at the bigger picture, I quite regret not joining soccer in sec sch. mayb if I had joined then, I could have developed to be a better player, or maybe even join the under-something team in some clubs. I missed my chance, but life was good, it gave me another chance. This time was in jC, where I went to tampines rovers for trials. They asked me to go back for more training sessions, but I didn’t. My thinking was, now jC, if I flunk my studies, I am so dead. Can’t go uni, can’t go wrk. I would be stuck in the middle of nowhere. I gave it up, and no more such opportunities came my way. So, if life gives a chance, grab it. It may never come around again. If you fail, at least you won't regret not doing it.

"A dream that you do not fight for will haunt you for your whole life"

Probably it was a wrong choice? If I had been in prime league then, it wld almost guarantee my career in soccer.. very long time ago, I made a promise to sdfi that when I hav a career in soccer, I wld giv her free season tickets(that is, if she wanted to come and watch), make sure I appear on television and make headlines on newpapers, haha.. I know.. childish ambitions, but doesn’t matter anyway, doubt sdfi would still rem these anyway.

Ok, finally a break from sports stuff.. must have been really boring right.. keke.. But academic stuff just as boring lor.. hee~ this paragraph.. not on regrets la.. I just wanna thank my chinese tuition teacher, for teaching me for so many yrs, not only making sure I score well for my exams, but also helping me develop an interest in chinese.. something not many tutors can do. She is a teacher I always try to model after because she ensured that I improve as a person, taking care that I do not get led astray, but sadly, I cannot influence most of my students the way she does. I sort of lost contact with her le, but if I have the chance, I hope to be able to thank her personally. 李老师, 谢谢…

Also, I wanna thank another good fren, tloi, from jC, for being a listener, a confidant, a shopping buddy, a movie kaki. But mainly for exchanging gossips, and of cuz, ogling at gals together.. oops.. dun worry dun worry, ur gf-or-not won’t know this is u de.. keke.. Anyway, you have been really suay in your love life so I wish that you will find a gal who really loves u whole-heartedly and 白头到老 with u.

Hmm.. back to serious stuff(not to say thanking wasn’t serious.. u get what I mean..). This is the one I regret the most. In the past, I lost a can-say-close friend becuz of my childish, immature actions. Now, I am trying to make amends, hoping that we can keep in contact more often, I know it’s impossible to become close friends again, but at least talk as usual like normal friends. Not that we’re not friends anymore, not that we don’t talk, but, we don’t keep in touch as much as I would have liked. Well, one reason is maybe she’s busy? But I believe time is made by u. If you really want to keep in contact, you would make time for it. A more possible reason is because of her bf? Some guys just don’t like other guys communicating with their gfs ba. I totally understand how he feels. I mean, I used to be lydat (though milder) but I don’t have tt kind of feelings for her le, I only treat her as a friend now. But anyway, since it might cause possible misunderstandings, I chose not to contact her lor.. she is also those kind of passive one, so if i don’t contact her, she also won’t bother to contact me.. Yupz, in any case, sdfi, if you are reading this (I doubt u will ever la) I just want to thank you for ur friendship, just want to let you know I will always cherish you as a friend.

Regarding this regret.. probably cant be helped ba.. haha.. My family consists of my parents, my two elder brothers and me.. so im the youngest lor.. but since quite some time ago, I’ve always wanted to have a younger sibling, someone who I can take care of and protect. Of cuz, preferably a sister, because my siblings all guys le.. but its impossible now le anyway.. haha.. so mayb a god-sis? I have a god-sis now la, but I also don’t meet her de… so kinda defeats the purpose.. haha..

Usually, you won’t regret something until sometime later, because人就是这么贱, they won’t cherish things until they have lost it. 我也是人, 所以我也一样贱. haha.. haiz..In time to come, I believe I will regret not handling the things tt happened recently better.. If I had done things another way, then it wld not lead to this kind of situation.. but now, I stand by my decision. I did things the way I thought it was right. It seemed logical, but I seem to forget the fact that lOvE is irrational.

The last one is probably one of the hardest thing to do.. that is to treat my family better. People always say I 不孝, but they don’t know why so.. From young, I have been brought up in a way where I was constantly alone. I don’t see my parents often, and I hardly talk to my brothers because we all have our own circle of friends. I believe most children nowadays suffer the same fate because of wrking parents, but everyone is different. Some can easily be close to their family again, some can’t, and it’s rather easy to see which subset I belong to yah? hee~ For many yrs, I hang around my friends more than my family and I only confide in them. Mayb tt’s y now, friends have a very impt position in my life. I’m not trying to find excuses for myself, but I just hope people who see family ties as something very impt can understand my position. In any case, though i don't think i will ever confide in any1 in my family, I hope to be able to show more tolerance towards them and not be so cold towards them.

If you have read until here.. I wanna thank you for showing such an interest in me.. oops.. I mean such an interest in my blog.. keke.. Anyway, I will follow up on my intentions and go on to do the things I said I will do. How abt you? If you wanna thank someone, do it asap, if you regret doing something, amend it asap, before everything is too late.